Time of year.

Christmas makes me feel more depressed than it does happy and excited. I'm the grinch, yes. A new thing has happened this time this year, it's made me realise I feel like a failure. I feel like a failure because I'm not inlove with my job. I don't wake up going, fuck yeah, this day is going to be awesome. Not often, anyway. I feel unappeased by the way may life is at the moment. There are a lot of awesome things, that I'm really grateful. I'm so grateful to actually have a job, and a place to live, a car that runs, my family, my friends, Eoin, I'm healthy, my country isn't exploding etc. But there's a part of me that feels really dissatisfied. I feel like there's not a lot I would like to accomplish. Even my music doesn't grab me by the balls and take me away with it anymore. What the hell? Even though I'm 17, and this is my first working year, I feel like I should have a nice house by now, and have enough money not to worry about what I'm going to eat today, that I should be living the life of luxury and to have climbed my way high into the corporate ladder. I know that I want to be travelling. I'd rather be in a gypsy van, taking myself place to place, seeing beautiful things each day, and absorbing the serenity I associate with nature. I want to get away from the cities, and from people with their make up, and their suits, their hype and their social hierachy. The trees are much more honest.

I am lacking in sleep and the stresses in my mind have compounded themselves to a clump that appears stuck in my throat. I'm hungry and I'm poor. Christmas suggests that the devil came and had a big commerical crap all over december.

I miss being passionate about everything. I miss feeling like the rest of my life is going to be interesting, rather than waking up, working, going home, sleeping. I am sad today. I will be better soon.

The beginning of something else.

You made me feel like I was a bad person,
I was starting to believe
as my actions and reactions to your accusations
brought out the worst in me.
Defensive as my default setting,
it's hard to see you
and the world outside of you.
I'd begun to forget that there are
evident opposites of contamination.
My brain spins, as overcome I am
with revelations I have above you.
Through the cracks in my shield,
I am suprised to be burnt by conscious light.
In this light,
You are not everything.
You are not my everything.

The first.

I feel like my mental life is composed of two wardrobes. One filled with dark light, the other with white light. In the last couple of months as I've withdrawn myself from some of the more negative influences in my life, I feel like I'm finally scrubbing away at the black stains at my feet. Things are becoming lighter more positive. I'm cleaning out my dark wardrobe, and organising the light. Im finding myself filled with a kind of peace that had never occurred to me as possible. Where I not only feel okay, as I had hoped, but relaxed and filled with the enjoyment of life.

There are new aspects to life that I'm discovering. It's incredible. Not only am I becoming aware of things that I didn't know were possible before, I'm even able to embrace them. Being able to define myself by my own perspective and by the world, rather than how I was raised is an amazing release. I am thankful for my upbringing because I'm happy within who I am, but I am so excited to be taking the lead from here.

My life is mine now. Carpe Diem!