The patient.

Some days I feel such a space in my life. A void that doesn't seem to fill. Like there is nothing that interests me, nothing that will make me happy. Almost as if I haven't the capacity for lasting happiness. As if everything is not okay, and I've been fooling myself that it is or ever will be.

I often try to step back and look at my life as if it were a time line infront of me, with pieces not yet filled in. I think, what will I be thinking on my death bed in my old age. Will I be satisfied that I lived my life the my potential, that I enjoyed it to maximum capacity. Will I think that I've wasted away trying to chase after something I didn't really want. Or, will I die tomorrow and think, shit, that was quick.

I'm so terrified of this sunken feeling never going away. I don't want to feel like I'm treading water forever, or that I'm 'just getting through it'. There have been so many times in my life where I've stopped to say to myself 'I am so okay right now' Euphoric feelings that remind me where I've been and where I am now. Those moments seem to be fewer.

I always feel like I am wrong, or not good enough. I am not achieving or being efficient. Sometimes like I am a horrible person who doesn't deserve love or attention.

Some days I feel so proud that I've done so many things in my age. I look at the things I've accomplished and am accomplishing and I think I'm doing so well. Sometimes that's not enough, and my imminent failure sits on my shoulder like famished vulture.

I am tired. The waiting game I have played has eroded me and I do question if it's worth it. The world is such a crazy place and I am crazy in it. I feel like I'm running from demons that do not slow.

I don't want to be afraid. I want to feel like I can lower my defenses, and stop fighting for a while. To be safe in comfort and inside myself. I need for things to happen and to change.

I am so terrified. I am so tired. I don't know what to do now.