Neglect

I've neglected this blog for a while. I've been stagnating and writing about a similar thing constantly was depressing and putting too much emphasis on negativity Ive been facing.

I'm 18 now. Not a lot has changed, I haven't really noticed much of a difference yet. Although I can buy lotto, that's pretty cool. I also went to a strip club last week. I had SO much fun. Such a weird place. So enchanting. It's like, you're having a conversation with a girl, and all of a sudden she's taking her clothes off infront of you. It's just bizarre really. Anyway, it was a well needed change of scene.

So what's new. I found a new job in a cafe in Avondale and so left Starbucks. My farewells were few. I was definately past my expiry there and I don't miss it. Cafe in Avondale turned out to be far worse. My boss was a heinous bitch. Her combined with 6am starts, fewer breaks and harder work. I just didnt want to stay in that environment. I would bawl my eyes out every day after work and I was so drained. I quit. It was messy. They wouldn't pay me. Had to meet the bitch again. We fought. Then she paid. Blegh. I'm glad it's in the past.

But, now I'm in this cheery little unemployed place. Worried about rent. Worried about where to move next. Trying to find a new job and decide whether to just side step through hospitality again or to look for outdoor work. I'm also trying to enrol in uni, which has turned out to be a bigger bitch than I had originally anticipated. I don't know that I have it in me right now. I feel so exhausted. I guess the order I'm working in is, look for a job I will actually enjoy, ie outdoors working in an orchard or nursery. Then look for cafe work which I assume will be easy to acquire. (sp?). In the mean time balance money or borrow money to pay rent. With new job. Move house according to wage. I think uni will be a side thing for now. Enrolment is complicated because I didn't finish school and its late in the first semester so I will have to wait for atleast the second if I can get in at all.

I may have to do a foundations course to prove that I'm "ready for uni". Which I find so infuriating. I hate that about institutes in that they label you according to one thing to say that you are or are not up to their standards. Where as someone who finished high school may be the dumbest fuck around. NCEA qualifcations are not hard to get. but people with intelligence but without the paper are automatically shunned because they will not achieve. I know that their are acceptions to everything. I just hate the way society runs. I would rather live in the bush, hunt for my food, build shelter, and live in a way that is non ridiculous to survival. Pretentious fuckers and their systems. I don't know if I can be bothered with doing that over again. I will look to see if this knowledge is attainable through practical experience. but that may be a hard opportunity to come across. Beyond finding a job, I really want to get back into playing cello but I need things to calm down first.

I feel like I'm in a muddy pond scattered with stones. Like I'm having to hop from one to the next, side ways, diagonally, being careful to judge the distance, balance myself, be careful not slip, and still head for the right direction. I'm so paranoid about slipping. I'm so tired of doing this.

I'm at this frustrating conflict with myself where the only reason I am working is to pay for things that I don't find that great. Paying money for rent. For food that I don't enjoy eating. I would rather live my life and enjoy it. Which it seems can't be done with out money. How much of my life do I give up to work? I always said that money wouldn't dictate my happiness and somehow it seems to sneak in on it.

I don't feel like I can't get through this. I know that everything will work out. I just feel frustrated that it isn't over yet and that I'm still going through it. I am fine.

Everything else in my life is wonderful and I should consider myself very lucky.