Thinking Space

Haikus!

2009-07-02T19:33:00.000-07:00

As per my 101 list, I have written a few. They're all pretty bad and I'm not so proud of them, but once I've done 100 I plan to be a lot better. So, until then. Here are my crappy "practice" ones.

Ugly seagull squawk
Parasitic beach dweller
Swallow a rock please

Sunshine licks water
Steam rises and falls again
The sea drinks the rain

Waddle little duck
your feathers all in order
Seek rest in puddle

Smiling faces see
A sight that brings happiness
Contagious smile

Friendly stranger stops
Through my window he greets me
Awkward discussion

Sitting in silence
Alone and thoughtful I am
Ponder this my friend

Drifter

2009-07-02T19:29:00.000-07:00

My mind has packed it's napsack
Hitched a ride somewhere
Place to place it goes
Doesn't stop here or there
Like a drifter,
not bound by time or agenda.
A freedom without purpose,
a trap in it's own regard.
Percepection has occupied the only limit.
As all around is only sight,
and image rendered by understanding.
Touch is nothing tangible,
just a sensory projection.
Drifting nomad mind,
you move in hopes of finding self
in an existential wasteland.
Nothing here but barren prose.
Drifter, you are weary.
It's time to wander home.

100 Spanish words

2009-07-02T15:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't got all of them yet, but this is what I have so far.

Words I already knew;

Leche-milk
Crema-cream
Rapido-fast
Penguino-penguin
Loco/loca - crazy
Chistosa-Funny
Que-What

New Words;
1 Me - I
2 Quiero - Want
3 Mi - My
4 Casa - house
5 Tienes - have
6 Hermosa - Beautiful
7 dale/vamos - Go
8 Hacer - Do
9 no - not/dont (no hagas - do not)
10 entender/entiendes - understand
11 capaz - capable
12 soy - I am(noun) estoy - I am(verb)
13 Ayuda/ayudar/ayudando - help
14 necessito - I need / necessita - you need
15 trapeado - trap
16 uno - 1
17 dos - 2
18 tres - 3
19 cuatro - 4
20 cinco - 5
21 seis - 6
22 siete - 7
23 ocho - 8
24 nueve - 9
25 dies - 10
26 sangre - blood
27 embarasado - pregnant
28 pena - embarass (que pena - how embarassing)
29 matar - kill
30 muerte - death
31 espada - sword
32 maso - club
33 ach - axe
34 muchacha - girl
35 chiclo/chamo/muchacho - boy
36 hombre - man
37 mujer - woman
38 chupamela - suck my
40 verga - dick (mexico)
41 maldito - damned one (asshole)
42 cagado - scared
43 cuca/chocha/cuchara - pussy
44 chucara - spoon
45 cuchillo - knife
46 tenedor - fork
47 cabeza - head
48 hombro - shoulder
49 rodilla - knee
50 cledo - toe
51 ojo -eye
52 nariz - nose
53 oreja - ear
54 barriga - stomach
55 pecho - chest
56 brazo - arm
57 mano - hand
58 munheca - wrists
59 espalda - back
60 pierna - leg

And my sentence of the day -
-tienes un cara que es pa asustar al coco
-you have a face that would scare the boogeyman.

A weird and colourful dream

2009-07-02T15:45:00.000-07:00

I can only remember this one in pieces.

I was dating Zach Braff (JD From Scrubs) but I got the feeling he didn't like me much. We were doing some kind of trip somewhere. A nature reserve, maybe. or some exotic island. Lots and lots of strange and colourful creatures. My favourite part was doing this walk by myself, and I stopped on the ride of a mountain, and looked out over a valley. It looked a lot like west auckland, trees everwhere etc. And this beautiful massive owl was flying around me. So I put my arm out, and it landed on it. And stayed there. Let me stroke it's breast (high five!) and was just amazing.

The dream moved on and I was swimming with my sister Amie in the harbour. It was all murkey, and everything was gross, but we were enjoying having some philosophical talk about something and watching the lonely tortoise swimming.

There was another part of the dream where me and JD were lazing about in this dinghy that was tied to a wharf, and there was a friend of his with us. An annoying asian chick. She thought I wasn't right for him and was gettin in his ear about it. So I tried to convince him by giving him a massage and telling him how amazing and "ridiculously funny" he was. He was still uninterested.

The dream was mostly interesting because of the colour scheme. I don't usually dream in colour, so when I do it's usually beautiful. The trees, and the sunshine. The blue over the water. The animals. Lizards, and birds mostly. That owl took my breath away. I want my own owl.

Dream update

2009-06-28T16:38:00.000-07:00

Had a really strange one last night. I can only remember snippets now. I met these two young guys on the side of the road. Say 16 or so. I picked them up and took them off somewhere. The dream was set in a weird place, like there was a centre circular field amongst trees. In the four corners there were certain other sets. Kind of like a movie set set up. I took them to the southern corner, which was just a piece of footpath. For some reason I was trying to seduce them. Not for any personal pleasure, because it was somehow my job or duty. I was supposed to. It was working, I had them both tangled and interested, and weird stuff was happening. Can't remember what exactly but it was definately bizarre. I took them back to the room that was in the eastern corner of the set up. And put them on two beds. One single bed each, with a small walkable gap inbetween. One was watching, and the other was laying on his back. I asked the one closest to me to open his mouth so I could begin the procedure. He did. Only the left side of his mouth I incerted a toothbrush between his cheek and his teeth. And left it there so it was sticking straight out. And put a small red vibrator on the other side in the same spot. I was about to begin the procedure. I have no idea what this procedure is. My friend Alec walks in with a toy Drs kit that I had when I was little. It's white and plastic. He has a stethescope around his neck and is wearing a white Drs coat over normal clothing. He walks over to the guy on the other bed lays him back, pulls up his shirt and pulls out a scalpel. He is preparing the abdomen of guy number two while explaining to me that Alistair, (the Dad of a close friend of his) has been teaching him unofficial medical and surgery procedures. I'm annoyed that he has take over my procedure and stolen a case from me that I had worked hard to seduce. As he cuts into guy number two I wake up.

Refresh!

2009-06-28T02:39:00.000-07:00

This blog has a whole new purpose now. I'm considering removing all the other content because its a bunch of emo babble. I'm sure I will fill it with new more relevant emo babble. But for now, here is my 101 list. Hopefully this will help me get back on track with my life and keep me busy and inspired. I don't have 101 ideas yet, I'm trying to think of 20 more that will challenge me a little more than the rest of the list.

Here 'tis.

1. Write a complete song with Anton
2. Learn 5 new songs on Cello
3. Learn 2 new songs on Piano
4. Write 5 new songs on Cello
5. Write 2 new songs on Piano
6. Write 20 short stories
7. Write 10 poems
8. Read 20 new books.
9. Read 1 book of Eoin's choice
10. Read 1 book of Rosie's choice
11. Ride the Rainforest Express
12. Take photos at 10 new places
13. Take a photo a day and write something about it
14. Finish painting my 3 canvases to a quality I want to put on the wall
15. Organise family walk around the rocks
16. Do 5 bush walks
17. Do bush walk with Dad
18. Write letter to Dad
19. Write letter to Mum
20. Write letter to Kate
21. Write letter to Adam
22. Write letter to Amie
23. Watch all of Star Wars
24. Watch 10 movies I wouldn't usually want to see.
25. Go horse riding
26. Make 20 new pieces of jewlery.
27. Take a short course.
28. Learn to knit
29. Learn 20 new recipes (baking/cooking)
30. Learn how a car engine works and be able to explain it
31. Learn 100 new words
32. Learn 100 new animals- include lifestyle/habbitat etc
33. Become a pro at an Xbox game.
34. Visit 5 new towns.
35. Learn 100 new plants - lifestyle/location/reproduction
36. Ride 3km on a bike
37. Learn about 5 countries' political system and be able to explain
38. Read History of NZ book
39. Read brief history of nearly everything (must ask Joseph what that's actually called)
40. Finish Amphibians Map
41. Finish 3 new maps.
42. Go to a Touchy Farm
43. Use my blog to track 101 list.
44. Learn about the lives/style /works of 10 composers.
45. Learn a new computer skill. (maybe coding or something)
46. Plan a tattoo
47. Think of 5 elaborate plans to take over the world and write about them
48. Make a brief outline of a timeline of my life
49. Relearn Algebra
50. Learn the Periodic table
51. Learn 100 Spanish words.
52. Go to MOTAT
53. Glass- Photography Project
54. Wind/Tree - Photography Project.
55. Go fishing off Cornwallis Wharf
56. Do a tapestry
57. Learn 5 new songs on guitar.
58. Learn 5 origami patterns.
59. Learn proper massage techniques
60. Hang Saari in room
61. Read a philosophy book
62. Learn basic history/practice of 5 religions.
63. Write 100 haikus.
64. Plant a tree.
65. Think of and fulfil Photography idea
66. Same^
67. Same^^
68. Earth/Air/Water/Fire - Photography project
69. Create and write on a fantasy city/culture/religion/race
70. Write out 5 end of the world scenarios.
71. Write every new dream I have, no matter how brief.

That's all I have so far. Need some more ideas. Also, this made me laugh; the version I wrote on paper, I somehow wrote 50. and then 60. so I have more left to write than I thought. Oh well.

Neglect

2008-03-07T23:39:00.000-08:00

I've neglected this blog for a while. I've been stagnating and writing about a similar thing constantly was depressing and putting too much emphasis on negativity Ive been facing.

I'm 18 now. Not a lot has changed, I haven't really noticed much of a difference yet. Although I can buy lotto, that's pretty cool. I also went to a strip club last week. I had SO much fun. Such a weird place. So enchanting. It's like, you're having a conversation with a girl, and all of a sudden she's taking her clothes off infront of you. It's just bizarre really. Anyway, it was a well needed change of scene.

So what's new. I found a new job in a cafe in Avondale and so left Starbucks. My farewells were few. I was definately past my expiry there and I don't miss it. Cafe in Avondale turned out to be far worse. My boss was a heinous bitch. Her combined with 6am starts, fewer breaks and harder work. I just didnt want to stay in that environment. I would bawl my eyes out every day after work and I was so drained. I quit. It was messy. They wouldn't pay me. Had to meet the bitch again. We fought. Then she paid. Blegh. I'm glad it's in the past.

But, now I'm in this cheery little unemployed place. Worried about rent. Worried about where to move next. Trying to find a new job and decide whether to just side step through hospitality again or to look for outdoor work. I'm also trying to enrol in uni, which has turned out to be a bigger bitch than I had originally anticipated. I don't know that I have it in me right now. I feel so exhausted. I guess the order I'm working in is, look for a job I will actually enjoy, ie outdoors working in an orchard or nursery. Then look for cafe work which I assume will be easy to acquire. (sp?). In the mean time balance money or borrow money to pay rent. With new job. Move house according to wage. I think uni will be a side thing for now. Enrolment is complicated because I didn't finish school and its late in the first semester so I will have to wait for atleast the second if I can get in at all.

I may have to do a foundations course to prove that I'm "ready for uni". Which I find so infuriating. I hate that about institutes in that they label you according to one thing to say that you are or are not up to their standards. Where as someone who finished high school may be the dumbest fuck around. NCEA qualifcations are not hard to get. but people with intelligence but without the paper are automatically shunned because they will not achieve. I know that their are acceptions to everything. I just hate the way society runs. I would rather live in the bush, hunt for my food, build shelter, and live in a way that is non ridiculous to survival. Pretentious fuckers and their systems. I don't know if I can be bothered with doing that over again. I will look to see if this knowledge is attainable through practical experience. but that may be a hard opportunity to come across. Beyond finding a job, I really want to get back into playing cello but I need things to calm down first.

I feel like I'm in a muddy pond scattered with stones. Like I'm having to hop from one to the next, side ways, diagonally, being careful to judge the distance, balance myself, be careful not slip, and still head for the right direction. I'm so paranoid about slipping. I'm so tired of doing this.

I'm at this frustrating conflict with myself where the only reason I am working is to pay for things that I don't find that great. Paying money for rent. For food that I don't enjoy eating. I would rather live my life and enjoy it. Which it seems can't be done with out money. How much of my life do I give up to work? I always said that money wouldn't dictate my happiness and somehow it seems to sneak in on it.

I don't feel like I can't get through this. I know that everything will work out. I just feel frustrated that it isn't over yet and that I'm still going through it. I am fine.

Everything else in my life is wonderful and I should consider myself very lucky.

Good times.

2008-02-10T01:03:00.000-08:00

I feel very happy today. It's like Bex has popped back in for a visit. Hoping she sticks around from now. I feel like I have in sight the life I want to be living, and it's attainable. I've spent the last two hours reading, and its been lovely. Peacefully lying in my clean room, incense, a bottle of water. Just lovely! Kingsland has been quiet for me. Tomorrow I'm trying for my transfer to the New Lynn store. I'm hoping that everything happens quickly, and I can move soon. After work I'm going for a run I hope will be cathartic. Then later dinner with Eoin. I'm going to try for cello lessons as soon as I can. Since there's no real reason why I can't start them now. I want to read more, and walk more, to be around people more. I miss being inspired by life itself and feeling creativity ooze through me. At the moment I feel like I survive simply in a minute. A minute that feels everlasting. If happiness, if sadness. It seems permanant. I want to find a home and make it mine. To have my things and comfort waiting for me. To find myself away from dispair I seem to have attatched myself to.

For a while I thought that I didn't deserve a happiness that was coming to me, that I would always be opressed and things would always be hard or only just bearable. Why must I live a life that way? I can choose. For the first time in a long time, today I feel inspired to choose.

Chess board

2008-02-07T13:13:00.000-08:00

Feeling better now.

2008-02-01T19:42:00.000-08:00

It's strange how I have a complex at the moment that makes me feel like every moment will be everlasting. If something is bad, I react as if it's been like that for years and must change now. I need to remember that each day is different and changing.

I've noticed that the more I socialise, the better I feel. So although I'm still reluctant to do so, I'm trying to force myself to do it anyway. I don't have to stick around if I'm not enjoying myself, but the fact that I go and give it a go will be good. After seeing a few friends, and my family more, I've already noticed the difference. I feel healthier. It's great.

I think I'm pretty set in my idea of moving back west. I just need to get a job that will first allow me to do so, and then find a flat after that. I'm hoping that this will happen in the near future. I really don't know what to do jobwise though. If I don't get this iPod technician thing that is, which is by no means guarunteed. I am so over hospitality. It's the same shit over and over.

I'm getting myself together. Yee!

The patient.

2008-01-29T20:03:00.000-08:00

Some days I feel such a space in my life. A void that doesn't seem to fill. Like there is nothing that interests me, nothing that will make me happy. Almost as if I haven't the capacity for lasting happiness. As if everything is not okay, and I've been fooling myself that it is or ever will be.

I often try to step back and look at my life as if it were a time line infront of me, with pieces not yet filled in. I think, what will I be thinking on my death bed in my old age. Will I be satisfied that I lived my life the my potential, that I enjoyed it to maximum capacity. Will I think that I've wasted away trying to chase after something I didn't really want. Or, will I die tomorrow and think, shit, that was quick.

I'm so terrified of this sunken feeling never going away. I don't want to feel like I'm treading water forever, or that I'm 'just getting through it'. There have been so many times in my life where I've stopped to say to myself 'I am so okay right now' Euphoric feelings that remind me where I've been and where I am now. Those moments seem to be fewer.

I always feel like I am wrong, or not good enough. I am not achieving or being efficient. Sometimes like I am a horrible person who doesn't deserve love or attention.

Some days I feel so proud that I've done so many things in my age. I look at the things I've accomplished and am accomplishing and I think I'm doing so well. Sometimes that's not enough, and my imminent failure sits on my shoulder like famished vulture.

I am tired. The waiting game I have played has eroded me and I do question if it's worth it. The world is such a crazy place and I am crazy in it. I feel like I'm running from demons that do not slow.

I don't want to be afraid. I want to feel like I can lower my defenses, and stop fighting for a while. To be safe in comfort and inside myself. I need for things to happen and to change.

I am so terrified. I am so tired. I don't know what to do now.

Apology accepted.

2008-01-25T20:34:00.000-08:00

Okay, so about 20 minutes after writing that post I got a really sincere apology. He said he was sorry for what happened and that he has a goal for it to not happen again. It's weird how he's two different people drunk and sober. Hopefully it doesn't happen again. I accepted and appreciated his apology. Things are good.

Clear eyes in your coffee.

2008-01-25T18:14:00.000-08:00

I decided to step off my pedastool about the new girl. I'm sure I'll get over it, and since I've hardly been here and when I have been, she hasn't. I'm sure it's going to be fine. Moving on from that.

Same flat mate though, fuckin Nathan! Who organised the mass-invite party, and made the decision of a new flat mate without talking to me, again at 4am woke me up with music and loud drunken people. I went out there to ask him to turn everything down, luckily he'd just seen most of the people out and then went back to my room. I slammed my door. It was immature, but I was furious and half asleep. Once I'm in my room I hear him say to his mate, "Look what I have to put up with motherfucker."

I fucking fumed.

What HE has to put up with? The audacity of him. What an arrogant cunt. Because being fucked off with not getting enough sleep for an early start is so much worse than keeping people awake at night, and making decisions on behalf of other people. He mad me so mad it took me about another hour to fall asleep.

I got back into bed and all I could think of was violent ways to show him he's an asshole. Like throwing him down the stairs, or putting clear eyes in his coffee to give him the runs. Mmmm... cathartic. I wouldn't do that, but I have fuel to move out.

Lack of sleep means having a shit day at work, and having a shit day at work means coming home shitty to deal with more shit.

I feel better now. In lighter news, things are well with me. I spent another relaxing few days with Eoin at his Dad's place. Was lovely as ever. He is so good to me. It's strange though, I feel like I often get shitty at him for things he hasn't done, I think because I'm so used to assholes and expect him to behave the same way. I'm overly defensive and "prepared". I don't like it though, he doesn't deserve it and I just want to be lovely back. Working on it working on it. He has the most gorgeous voice, when he croons? kroons? kroones? I can't spel it, you know, the type of singing that Dean Martin does. anyway, it makes me melt. I'm going to try and coax him into serenading me for my birthday.

On the work front, I politely turned Okra down. The iPod technician job I did early last year is available again and I'm totally keen for it. I won't come home sticky anymore! Well, I'd be concerned if I did anyway. Going to call the guy on Tuesday and see if I can get in there, if I can't oh well. I'm no worse off than I am now eh?

I'm having lots of ideas about what to do about my living situation, and my antisocialism, but nothing to announce. I need to start seeing people again, and doing things. My priorities are in list of

New Job
Cello lessons
Flatting
Seeing people more

Seems fair.

She's here.

2008-01-18T19:34:00.000-08:00

So the new girl one of my flat mates decided to bring into our house is here today. and conveniantly, the first time we're together we're together alone. I already have a strong dislike for her. I don't know what thats about. I can tell she's the exact kind of girl I would deliberately avoid at a party for the sake of escaping irritation. She's in the kitchen making heaps of noise. Get the fuck out of my kitchen.

Apparently she's Bex number one. Good one.

I'm back.

2008-01-17T20:06:00.000-08:00

I have spent the last few days at Eoin's Dad's place while he's been housesitting. It has been SO lovely and so relaxing. My boss told me this morning that I look well rested. That lasted about four hours at work until I was wearing my grumpy face again. I have to get out of that place. We pretty much just relaxed the whole time, watched movies, ate good food, read books, enjoyed each other's company etc. It felt like the whole time we were nuturing each other? That sounds weird. For example, he would make me porridge, and I'd make him coffee and scratch his back. One night he ran a romantic bath for me, candles, scents, music... it was amazing. I was feeling stressed out, and he calmed me down. The best day though, was a whimsical day trip. It was about 2pm, and I was like "Let's go up north for the day". That was the last of it. We were on our way. We stopped at the honey centre and checked it out, got some drinks. Then we went to Martins Bay, somewhere I used to spend a lot of time during summers growing up. It was just as it always was. I had my first swim of the summer and my god it was heaven. So warm, so lovely. We played really childish games and everything was right with the world. Haha. Then we climb up this cliff and sat in long grass looking out at the sea. I never suspected I would turn into such a cheeseball. I hope to keep him around for a while.

On the work front, Okra has given me a trial. Conveniantly enough for them, its on the public holiday, the plan to pay me less than my current wage, and not time in a half. They want to do it under the table, and if they hire me I will again be under the table and uncontracted. Cheeky little shits. Ive decided to call them and turn them down. That's dodgy as. I've worked uncontracted before and it was shit. There's a lot more at stake now, paying rent etc, so I need to keep myself secure. I guess it's not the place for me to be. Oh well! :)

One of my flat mates is moving out in a month, and another one of my flat mates has a friend who is apparently now staying in our lounge because she needs somewhere to stay. So five people live in this house. Great -_- . Her name is also Bex. Apparently she's going to be moving in when Bede moves out. I have a feeling that the reason she needs a place to stay is because she hadn't been paying rent where she was. Concerns! I also really loathe the idea of living with a girl. I hadn't realised I had had such issues with it. Trying to figure out where that comes from, but I think I have an idea.

I'm thinking about whats going to make me happiest, and I'm thinking about getting cafe work out west while looking for a better job still, and moving back there. I really love it. It's peaceful and its by all the places and most of the people I love. I think that may be what's best, although its complicated in it's own ways. I wouldn't know how to go about it, and I feel like I'd be putting a lot of people out by doing it. I hope not. I'm just going to take it as it comes I guess. Deal with things as they do, and take opportunities. It's this feeling of being in limbo that's getting to me.

I took out the last of my nipple piercings last week. Breaking down that barrier of needing to have thick skin, or be tough. Not to other people, but to myself. To kind of, show myself I guess, what I can deal with. Externalising some stuff that was happening internally. Since I've moved out, I've had only two piercings, and neither of them were that satisfying. It feels good to be removing that layer of skin and finding myself afresh. I'm suprised that I don't miss them. I have under half of my ear piercings too. Sunday will be week 5 of not smoking, which ties in aswell. I'm feeling healthy I think. A little antisocial, but healthy.

Interesting.

Runny Greenpaeces.

2008-01-11T19:21:00.000-08:00

I had my interview with Greenpeace yesterday. They asked me three times if I was applying for Door to Door, or On the Streets. I told them all three times that I was looking for On the Streets.
During the interview I had to approach people on the street and get them to evaluate my performance, and then I had to do two lots of roleplay with the interviewers, of meeting them on the street and overcoming their obstacles to do with avoiding donating money.

One hour later.

"Well, I'm sorry we don't have any positions going for On the Streets at the moment, but you did really well, especially in your role play so we'd like to offer you Door to Door"

I declined. Atleast I'm good at roleplay.

The idea of trapsing onto people's property makes me feel so uncomfortable. That is so rude. Also, if they had nothing going, why bother interviewing me. They were unorganised, and less that approachable people, as you would think Greenpeacers would be. They're going to get back to me about upcoming availabilities. I'm still going to decline. Fuck it!

Turned out okay though, I went to Okra, a cafe about 5 minute walk from my flat, to cheer myself up. The barista there remembered me coming in a couple of months ago and asked me if I had found a job yet. I said no and asked if there was anything going. His manager overheard, and asked me some questions about experience and stuff and then took down my details. She said that she had some shifts coming up in a couple of weeks and that I should come down to see her.

I am so there! It's a really lovely cafe with great standards, the people are cool also. I would save money on transport. As in, all of it. It would get me out of Starbucks, the wage would be better, and I could still look for more stimulating work outside of hospitality. I think it sounds really good. I just hope they end up wanting me. I would enjoy that.

Words that I have

2008-01-08T21:22:00.000-08:00

It's not that someone clipped your wings.
More alike to lathering them in mud.
A voluntary act.
Agendas to make one curious.
Now with wings so heavy,
you lay before me limp.
I stand the saddest witness,
no one likes to see an eagle fall.
I turn with your trend,
and claim a heavy heart.
Though not mud covered,
something less clear,
not transparent.
I am before you throwing water
in looks and thoughts of mine.
I wish to cleanse you,
to have you back,
and watch you fly.
I have seen you in your glory,
You wings spread and shining.
The amazement that you bring me,
you tuck inside your wing.
Why do you fold it so,
and hide everything.
The eagle with the pigs.
Although rumours insist,
no, they do not fly.

Brewing

2008-01-08T21:10:00.000-08:00

A room that is cluttered,
empty and my own.
The days have faded
and my conscience grown.

I think of you and always,
sullen I seem.
When all I have is wonder,
without the bliss of dream.

You find yourself without me
in a house that often creaks.
She has a wilted manner,
and words she inwardly speaks.

You still continue to rattle,
shake and recede.
Without her as your leaning post,
you can only plead.

"Take me and behold,
the things I have for you.
Mirrors and falsities,
things seldom true"

I have but one direction
Today, you may see.
The thing I truely want from you,
is for you to set me free.

Eeeeeee!!!!

2008-01-08T21:01:00.000-08:00

I have a job interview on Friday with Greenpeace. So excited. I'm feeling a little unsure about it. I'm confident in my abilities but not with whether I'm going to enjoy this specific job. But still, I believe its going to be a step up from Starbucks and having a change and new challenge is going to be really beneficial. I'm also glad that I'm sure of what I want to be doing with myself. Good times ensue, and I'm very very excited. Plus, it's more money. Cello lessons, perhaps?

Feeling really strange and detatched from a lot of things at the moment. I feel very much in my own head and for once it's really positive. I feel focused. I feel sure of myself. It's a really brilliant feeling to be so stimulated by living again. I worry though. I don't want to end up making myself a complete loner. I need to be careful and remember to keep the people I care about close to me. I keep feeling like I have to make excuses to not see people. I have no idea why. People invite me to do things and I just don't want to. I ask myself whether I have issues with seeing the people who are inviting me places, and I don't. I don't know what my problem is. I'm having less faith in the people I'm meeting. I feel like I'm just meeting assholes over and over and over, but in contrast, I'm feeling very at peace with humanity. Intersting. I think time will be revealing, and changes will scratch away at dead skin.

On the move!

2008-01-06T19:31:00.000-08:00

I can feel change around the corner. Its brewing and bubbling inside me. I can feel this passion elevating and its taking me somewhere. I'm frightened while excited. It's about time for a change. This waiting stage is usually hollow and frustrating. Right now I feel an adrenaline and a readiness like I am imagine it would be before going into battle. It's like I have a boner for life and I'm so about to get laid. Yeah, that's adequate.

My frustration with Starbucks has been compounded this week. I am hating it. I had a big talk with my boss today about the things that are frustrating me. She can tell I'm not happy. Shes going to work for changing some of them because she agrees. I heard that the WSPA is a proft organisation and figured if I want to work for them I may aswell stay at Starbucks. I've had enough bullshit. I joined Greenpeace the other day. It was something that I've wanted to do for a while and the timing was appropriate. I was chatting to the guy and he said that Greenpeace is non profit and always hiring and gave me a number to call. I'm so there. They open tomorrow so I'm going to give them a call and see what's happening and see if I can't scoot my way in there. It's the first time entering a job where I feel like I will be genuinly bummed if I don't get it. I've finally realised what I want to be doing more than anyone else, and I now can't imagine doing anything else. I especially can't imagine myself getting back into hospitality. It's like working in filth.

I want to be helping the world to be better. I'm aware that that sounds corny. There's nothign else I can imagine being more productive, stimulating and passionate. Just the thought of fighting for the things I believe in along side people who share my engagement with life, it just fills me up thinking about it. Fuck being a musician. Sure, I will always be a musician, but now no part of me sees myself doing it as a profession. I just simply cannot see myself not doing this. I feel like it's the direction I'm born to take, and thats so satisfying. If not this specific one then something in this general idea. Ive been unsure for a long time, thinking I should be certain ways and not other certain ways. So to feel this clear headed about it is bringing me much joy.

I feel withdrawn. It's strange, it's in a way that is entirely focused on taking myself to the next step. I feel independt and strong. I feel like I'm fighting for my life. If I stay with what I'm doing day in and day out, part of me will sure enough die. It's a motivation I haven't felt before and this fuel, this fire beneath my feet feels amazing.

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T16:43:00.000-08:00

I am so excited for this year. I can't wait to see what happens. Last year went in the blink of an eye, but I'm thinking this year is going to be a lot of fun, with a lot of success. I can't wait. New Years eve was tame, as requested. I was so excited to get to spend it with two of my favourite people, Eoin and Rosie. We drank beer and were merry. Have been hibernating with Eoin since. I think I'm becoming anti social. Not in a way that I mind, just in the sense that I really can't be bothered seeking out things to do with people for the sake of seeing them. If stuff comes up, sure, that'll be great. But meh, otherwise. I don't know! I just think this year holds a lot of positive change, and I am so looking forward to it. Gaaah! 2008! I'm getting old. Going to be 18, woohoo.

Happy New Year!

Changing.

2007-12-29T15:45:00.000-08:00

Well it's the reflection time of year again. It's strange. For most of this year I have felt like I wasn't doing enough with myself, I wasn't achieving enough. When I look back to a year ago, it makes me realise how different I was then. How I've grown, and developed in this year has become an achievement. I achieved big things that are going to set me up to achieve bigger things. I moved out of home, and I start full time working. It's been one crazy year. I feel like I'm on top. I'm becoming more relaxed, peaceful, grown up. I love who I'm becoming and I love all the new things I'm discovering. The world is a horrible place only when you let yourself live in a horrible place. I am beginning to embrace all the wonderful things that life holds for me and I can't wait to try more things. There's so much I want to do, and know, and see. I am so proud of myself for the things I have. At times I have to sit back and remind myself that I'm only 17 and have only been out of school for a year, so that I don't have the sensation of not having done enough with myself, and when I think of it like that I realise how much I HAVE done in that time. I am very happy to be walking on my strong, woman legs today. This new years I feel I will really be celebrating for the first time. My only resolution is to be doing more with myself, and fulfilling myself in every way. I can wait to get started.

Also. TWO WEEKS TODAY! so proud.

Two weeks tomorrow!

2007-12-28T18:28:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow it will be two weeks since I gave up smoking. I'm so happy! I feel really proud of myself for making a choice and sticking to it. I already feel so much better and healthier. I watch other people smoke and I either go, 'OMFG I WANT ONE' or 'Ew, I feel bad for them. Don't they realise how disgusting that is? How it's making them feel like shit?' More often these days I swing towards the latter. Which is a really cool feeling.

To help me taper off it, and also out of enjoyment, I've started smoking Blue Lotus flower and Damiana. It's a really enjoyable combo. A lot more effective than a cigarette, healthier, tastier, cheaper. It's just good. Damiana gives you a mild euphoria and excitement, is also a well know aphrodisiac but it doesn't... have that effect... Blue lotus just makes you feel a little stoned, not in a mary jane sense, just kind of low or connected to the ground in a positive way, colours go a little sparkley also. Lasts about 30 minutes or so and is not impairing at all. If I'm having a rough day at work its so much better to wander off and relax with a joint instead of a cigarette. I find it makes customers so much easier to deal with. Another positive note is that because it takes effort to smoke instead of just pulling it out of a packet, I'm not inclined to smoke nearly as much as I used to. At times when I used to crave cigarettes the most, like after dinner, or during coffee, it's really good to have an impliment in place so that I don't fold. Not that I would've anyway ;)

Staying in Mums house this weekend. SO lovely to have some peace and quiet. It feels like I'm on holiday. This is also the first time I've stayed in Titirangi for about four months! I love it out here. I'm seriously considering getting work and a flat back these ways. It fits nicely with my new relaxed ways of thinking.

I am so sick of rude people.

2007-12-26T18:44:00.000-08:00

That pretty much sums up my mood right now. I think I'm definately over hospitality for the time being. I'm sick of being in a passionless environment, where the public has a gateway in which to enter and treat other people like shit. I'm glad I've worked in hospitality. It's opened my eyes to people, and different kinds of people. You see people at a pretty raw level I find. They don't need a front. You see examples of all different kinds of relationships. People on blind dates, people who are breaking up, people who are studying, friends who are trying to impress each other and people who are interviewing and being interviewing. As fascinating as I've found it, and as much as I've learnt. I am over it. I'm getting all motivated now that it's nearly the new year, to start looking for something new. Something outside of what I'm used to that might actually lead somewhere. There's an advert on seek looking for fundraisers for the WSPA. Time to spruce up my CV. I think that would be a cool place to work, people there because they're passionate, doing things that help, but with low pressure. Sure, there's still the interaction with the public, but its a completely different kind of perspective. I am not serving them, I am asking of them. Again, it may prove to bum me out, but I imagine I will see a lot of beautiful things along the way. I don't know why and I can't explain it, other than for the obvious reasons, animal cruelty is something I'm really passionate about.

I see change around the corner. Well, there better be or my soul will curl up and die and I will become permanantly bitter. Not really, but I am tired of this tedium.

We can pretend he's Parson Brown.

2007-12-24T23:16:00.000-08:00

Christmas was really good this year. I'm quite suprised. I had low expectations for today, so things turned out really well. It's probably the best Christmas I've had since my parents broke up. Which was a good 5 years ago, so it's pretty cool. Even though it rained, and I'm piss poor, I had a really good day. I think those things humbled me actually. Being poor kind of made me appreciate the festivity and the 'community' of it. Mmmm lovely. I got some awesome presents, almost none of which I had previously anticipated which is really cool.

Waking up with Eoin this morning may have made my day. It's my first Christmas out of home, and to have him there was just delightful. He loved his present. I made him a bong out of a glass water bottle we had used on our first trip away. He made a comment about how it was a really cool bottle and we should use it again, and my mind was like *ting* 'Make him a bong'. It ended up with his name on it, and a cool design which represents healing, well being, harmony and balance. He loved it! Was real great to see the expression on his face when I gave it to him. Mmmm... he's so hairy. It's like waking up to some kind of massive cuddley animal that can hold a conversation. That almost sounds like a put down, but I mean it in a loving way.

The awesome thing about being with Eoin, is it's the first relationship where the idea of breaking up doesn't stress me out. Im strong and confident in myself now to know that I will be fine if he's not around. I have my own life, and it will continue. I've learnt heaps of awesome things from him, and it makes me so thrilled to know that those are lessons I will continue to hold close, with or without him. Above that, I just adore his company. He's like a really good friend of mine who I get to hold closer than most. To me that is so cool.

Christmas has proved me wrong this year. I am pleased.

Time of year.

2007-12-22T17:15:00.000-08:00

Christmas makes me feel more depressed than it does happy and excited. I'm the grinch, yes. A new thing has happened this time this year, it's made me realise I feel like a failure. I feel like a failure because I'm not inlove with my job. I don't wake up going, fuck yeah, this day is going to be awesome. Not often, anyway. I feel unappeased by the way may life is at the moment. There are a lot of awesome things, that I'm really grateful. I'm so grateful to actually have a job, and a place to live, a car that runs, my family, my friends, Eoin, I'm healthy, my country isn't exploding etc. But there's a part of me that feels really dissatisfied. I feel like there's not a lot I would like to accomplish. Even my music doesn't grab me by the balls and take me away with it anymore. What the hell? Even though I'm 17, and this is my first working year, I feel like I should have a nice house by now, and have enough money not to worry about what I'm going to eat today, that I should be living the life of luxury and to have climbed my way high into the corporate ladder. I know that I want to be travelling. I'd rather be in a gypsy van, taking myself place to place, seeing beautiful things each day, and absorbing the serenity I associate with nature. I want to get away from the cities, and from people with their make up, and their suits, their hype and their social hierachy. The trees are much more honest.

I am lacking in sleep and the stresses in my mind have compounded themselves to a clump that appears stuck in my throat. I'm hungry and I'm poor. Christmas suggests that the devil came and had a big commerical crap all over december.

I miss being passionate about everything. I miss feeling like the rest of my life is going to be interesting, rather than waking up, working, going home, sleeping. I am sad today. I will be better soon.

The beginning of something else.

2007-12-20T22:07:00.000-08:00

You made me feel like I was a bad person,
I was starting to believe
as my actions and reactions to your accusations
brought out the worst in me.
Defensive as my default setting,
it's hard to see you
and the world outside of you.
I'd begun to forget that there are
evident opposites of contamination.
My brain spins, as overcome I am
with revelations I have above you.
Through the cracks in my shield,
I am suprised to be burnt by conscious light.
In this light,
You are not everything.
You are not my everything.

The first.

2007-12-20T21:35:00.000-08:00

I feel like my mental life is composed of two wardrobes. One filled with dark light, the other with white light. In the last couple of months as I've withdrawn myself from some of the more negative influences in my life, I feel like I'm finally scrubbing away at the black stains at my feet. Things are becoming lighter more positive. I'm cleaning out my dark wardrobe, and organising the light. Im finding myself filled with a kind of peace that had never occurred to me as possible. Where I not only feel okay, as I had hoped, but relaxed and filled with the enjoyment of life.

There are new aspects to life that I'm discovering. It's incredible. Not only am I becoming aware of things that I didn't know were possible before, I'm even able to embrace them. Being able to define myself by my own perspective and by the world, rather than how I was raised is an amazing release. I am thankful for my upbringing because I'm happy within who I am, but I am so excited to be taking the lead from here.

My life is mine now. Carpe Diem!