Changing.

Well it's the reflection time of year again. It's strange. For most of this year I have felt like I wasn't doing enough with myself, I wasn't achieving enough. When I look back to a year ago, it makes me realise how different I was then. How I've grown, and developed in this year has become an achievement. I achieved big things that are going to set me up to achieve bigger things. I moved out of home, and I start full time working. It's been one crazy year. I feel like I'm on top. I'm becoming more relaxed, peaceful, grown up. I love who I'm becoming and I love all the new things I'm discovering. The world is a horrible place only when you let yourself live in a horrible place. I am beginning to embrace all the wonderful things that life holds for me and I can't wait to try more things. There's so much I want to do, and know, and see. I am so proud of myself for the things I have. At times I have to sit back and remind myself that I'm only 17 and have only been out of school for a year, so that I don't have the sensation of not having done enough with myself, and when I think of it like that I realise how much I HAVE done in that time. I am very happy to be walking on my strong, woman legs today. This new years I feel I will really be celebrating for the first time. My only resolution is to be doing more with myself, and fulfilling myself in every way. I can wait to get started.

Also. TWO WEEKS TODAY! so proud.

Two weeks tomorrow!

Tomorrow it will be two weeks since I gave up smoking. I'm so happy! I feel really proud of myself for making a choice and sticking to it. I already feel so much better and healthier. I watch other people smoke and I either go, 'OMFG I WANT ONE' or 'Ew, I feel bad for them. Don't they realise how disgusting that is? How it's making them feel like shit?' More often these days I swing towards the latter. Which is a really cool feeling.

To help me taper off it, and also out of enjoyment, I've started smoking Blue Lotus flower and Damiana. It's a really enjoyable combo. A lot more effective than a cigarette, healthier, tastier, cheaper. It's just good. Damiana gives you a mild euphoria and excitement, is also a well know aphrodisiac but it doesn't... have that effect... Blue lotus just makes you feel a little stoned, not in a mary jane sense, just kind of low or connected to the ground in a positive way, colours go a little sparkley also. Lasts about 30 minutes or so and is not impairing at all. If I'm having a rough day at work its so much better to wander off and relax with a joint instead of a cigarette. I find it makes customers so much easier to deal with. Another positive note is that because it takes effort to smoke instead of just pulling it out of a packet, I'm not inclined to smoke nearly as much as I used to. At times when I used to crave cigarettes the most, like after dinner, or during coffee, it's really good to have an impliment in place so that I don't fold. Not that I would've anyway ;)

Staying in Mums house this weekend. SO lovely to have some peace and quiet. It feels like I'm on holiday. This is also the first time I've stayed in Titirangi for about four months! I love it out here. I'm seriously considering getting work and a flat back these ways. It fits nicely with my new relaxed ways of thinking.

I am so sick of rude people.

That pretty much sums up my mood right now. I think I'm definately over hospitality for the time being. I'm sick of being in a passionless environment, where the public has a gateway in which to enter and treat other people like shit. I'm glad I've worked in hospitality. It's opened my eyes to people, and different kinds of people. You see people at a pretty raw level I find. They don't need a front. You see examples of all different kinds of relationships. People on blind dates, people who are breaking up, people who are studying, friends who are trying to impress each other and people who are interviewing and being interviewing. As fascinating as I've found it, and as much as I've learnt. I am over it. I'm getting all motivated now that it's nearly the new year, to start looking for something new. Something outside of what I'm used to that might actually lead somewhere. There's an advert on seek looking for fundraisers for the WSPA. Time to spruce up my CV. I think that would be a cool place to work, people there because they're passionate, doing things that help, but with low pressure. Sure, there's still the interaction with the public, but its a completely different kind of perspective. I am not serving them, I am asking of them. Again, it may prove to bum me out, but I imagine I will see a lot of beautiful things along the way. I don't know why and I can't explain it, other than for the obvious reasons, animal cruelty is something I'm really passionate about.

I see change around the corner. Well, there better be or my soul will curl up and die and I will become permanantly bitter. Not really, but I am tired of this tedium.

We can pretend he's Parson Brown.

Christmas was really good this year. I'm quite suprised. I had low expectations for today, so things turned out really well. It's probably the best Christmas I've had since my parents broke up. Which was a good 5 years ago, so it's pretty cool. Even though it rained, and I'm piss poor, I had a really good day. I think those things humbled me actually. Being poor kind of made me appreciate the festivity and the 'community' of it. Mmmm lovely. I got some awesome presents, almost none of which I had previously anticipated which is really cool.

Waking up with Eoin this morning may have made my day. It's my first Christmas out of home, and to have him there was just delightful. He loved his present. I made him a bong out of a glass water bottle we had used on our first trip away. He made a comment about how it was a really cool bottle and we should use it again, and my mind was like *ting* 'Make him a bong'. It ended up with his name on it, and a cool design which represents healing, well being, harmony and balance. He loved it! Was real great to see the expression on his face when I gave it to him. Mmmm... he's so hairy. It's like waking up to some kind of massive cuddley animal that can hold a conversation. That almost sounds like a put down, but I mean it in a loving way.

The awesome thing about being with Eoin, is it's the first relationship where the idea of breaking up doesn't stress me out. Im strong and confident in myself now to know that I will be fine if he's not around. I have my own life, and it will continue. I've learnt heaps of awesome things from him, and it makes me so thrilled to know that those are lessons I will continue to hold close, with or without him. Above that, I just adore his company. He's like a really good friend of mine who I get to hold closer than most. To me that is so cool.

Christmas has proved me wrong this year. I am pleased.